I remember replaying Bon Iver and opening up that package of old letters, emails, pictures, memoribilia that I had tied up with a yellow string and hidden in the top of my bedroom closet and reading it all over again. I cried.
I remember realizing what friendships mattered to me.
I remember sitting on my roof with my friends the night before my birthday. It had been raining, but then it stopped and the sky exploded with color.
I remember making that decision and crying at the kitchen table trying to convince my dad and knowing that I had no idea what I was doing.
I remember singing 'Please Don't Go' with Kip as we drove by Borah high school.
I remember the anger and the letters and letting it overcome me.
I remembered sitting on that bus as Brooklyn passed me by. Praying I'd get home safely.
I remember driving away from that house in the summer. Feeling nothing.
I remember after graduating, I sat in my bathtub and bawled. No one other than my family came to see me graduate and I turned off the lights and flipped on the fan and cried. I cried to God that it was a hard year. I sobbed about the depression, the fear of growing up and making the wrong decision. I sobbed about the play and the sickening fear of the ER and heart surgery and losing control and still missing him. I thought no one could hear me over the fan and then my dad stood by the bathroom door and asked me if I was okay.
I remember laying in the park with Natalie and Matt and feeling the raindrops hit my closed eyelids.
I remember the Chicago airport and wanting someone to take care of me. I remember realizing it didn't matter.
I remember sitting in bed until 1 p.m. with a cup of coffee, reading old things, because I was too scared to deal with the present.
I remember the loft of honesty and laughing at my mom and drinking coffee in the snowy mountains with Kanda, Brenna, and Kerstyn.
I remember laying on the ER bed. Nurses kept commenting on my sparkly Toms. I remember when the nurse whispered an urgent "Uh, doctor" and then the room filled with nurses.
I remember dancing in the rain with Brenna on the last day of high school.
I remember straining to see New York for the first time. I was wearing a black t-shirt and feeling sick to my stomach.
I remember saying words I didn't mean.
I remember the first night I met Kip and Jose Gonzelez was playing and we sped through Kuna's backroads away from AJ's house, saying nothing.
I remember the last day of high school. We went to Natalie's and ate pasta and had bitchy yearbook commentary.
I remember crying out to God that night in August at the thursday night conference.
I remember when he told me his secret and I didn't care because I love him.
I remember a few nights before I left when Kaitlyn was over because of the mud shoot. She curled my hair and we went on a barefoot walk and she told me tell her the story. We went on the long loop and I talked and giggled and remembered. We made it the park where we layed on our backs against the cemement and I told her what it all taught me. We sat up and held each other's hands and prayed for each other for the next year. Some teenage boys came to the park and we finished up and walked back. We made coffee and ate chocolate and sat on the driveaway and talked even more.
I remember Natalie and Kanda visiting me and staying until 3 a.m. We ate peanut m'n'm's and talked about boys.
