I Just Might Explode

thinking...

(the view out of my old dorm room. disposable camera.)

I've been thinking a lot lately about how you don't have to want what everyone else wants. You don't have to want a crazy, adventurous life and you don't have to want to a simple, quiet life and you don't have to want anything in between those. And a lot of the time, you have to try them all out until you figure out what you want. And that's totally cool. 

I've been thiking about how more often than not, just sending the email is the most important thing. Put yourself out there, because the "yes"s do come. Oh, and people are just as weird as you. 

I've been thinking a lot about how content is king. In relation to blogging, life, and hard work. What stories do I want to tell?

I've been thinking that sometimes strength is witholding the curse words I want to spew at people. In other situations, it's just spewing the curse words. 

I've been thinking about risks. 

Also. My attitude. 

I've been thinking about writing again. And poetry. And that one poem I wrote a lot time ago and wondering how to get that place of self expression again. 

I've been thinking that wearing crop tops over dresses is, like, the best thing ever.

thinking...

i've been thinking about social media and where the line should be drawn in regard to time. 

i've been thinking that i am no longer going to call other girls/women sluts and whores. i'm tired of the blame and the gender double standards and and, seriously, who am i to judge. 

i've been thinking that i should walk to wallgreens and buy some disposable cameras and run around the neighborhood taking silly photos. 

i've been thinking that i am not going to refer to God as a 'he' or 'him' anymore. i read an anne lammott book a few years ago where she referred to God as a 'her'. i remember thinking, she's not allowed to do that. well, why isn't she? god doesn't have a gender. so i'm just going to call God, 'God'. because that's what God is.

i've been thinking that i have some people i need to forgive. and a lot of attitude to check.

i've been thinking that i am going to wear a lot of rompers, eyeliner, and pale pink this summer. 

i've been thinking that is totally okay to spend a week watching tv shows in bed and let the laundry pile up and think a lot of thoughts. 

i've been thinking that i do know what i want and life is a ride, so here i come. 

thinking about...

i've been thinking about how i should have listened to my friends. they were right.

i've been thinking about what it means to love somebody beyond their socioeconomic status, their sexual orientation, their egos, their religions, their self-prescribed labels, or their friends. what does it mean for me? what do i need to sacrifice to love them like i should.

i've been thinking about what it means to be an adult.

i've been thinking that i need to work harder. but instead i spent the last three days sleeping and thinking and eating an entire bar of dark chocolate.

i've been thinking about how i can't fix everything in the world. or even in my own heart. and maybe that's God's way of saying i should sleep more or pray more or seek more. who knows.

i've been thinking about what christian community is. what brave steps i need to take to get active in it.

i've been thinking of how completely selfish i am.

october 2010.

 

 

thinking...

(photo by jamie hudson photography)

i ate dinner by myself tonight. usually i'll eat with a friend or my roommate. i said a prayer with my hands folded and my eyes closed. in the middle of the pie shop.

i went on errands by myself today.

found the hardware store. smiled at the cute tattooed guy with a yankees baseball cap when i was buying nails. 

i felt bad because i couldn't understand the pregnant latino woman at the supermarket. i bought paper towels for my drawing class and coffee filters for my sanity.

i was there. in the pie shop, eating the tortellini and the garlic bread that the guy who was working gave to me for free. he kept calling me 'miss'. i really enjoy being called 'miss'.

i sat there, eating by myself. and for the first time in the history of forever, i did not want a boy to sit by me. i didn't want cute texts or flirting or anything. i just wanted to be there by myself. i just wanted to whisper to God and thank him for the day and eat my tortellini with  only my thoughts to keep me company.

thinking about

i've been thinking about thinking and i've been thinking that i think a lot.

i've been thinking about this song. i've been thinking about how bitter i've been towards my relationship with j. about how i let my anger about the situation manifest into an anger towards him. i hadn't listened to this song in a very long time and when it came onto my itunes shuffle today, i started to subconsciously sing along.  last year i listened to this song over and over again when i needed to be gently reminded that our relationship could never go anywhere. it helped me accept the fact that was our relationship was beautiful and as simple as it should have been.

i've been thinking about what it means to be both a christian and a feminist. 

i've been thinking about how to balance focused hard work and free-spiritedness. i'm have no idea where the line is between becoming a better person and still being gentle with myself.

i've been thinking about the people that i'm leaving behind.  and my pretty magazine covered walls and comfy couch and warm backyard. i've been thinking about how life is just passing and  how i'm never going to be sixteen again. and how my life is going to be beautiful. is beautiful. but i don't care for time. it doesn't work the way i want it to.

i've been thinking about what it means to love like jesus.

i've been thinking about how to deal with people who don't agree with what i have become. i don't know how to tell them that i don't care about who they want me to be, but that i do care about them.

july 2010.