
I've put off writing this for awhile because I knew once I said it, it was real. Not that it's bad or anthing(quite the opposite!), but I guess it means it's real...
I have decided to transfer to a school in Portland, OR next year (PNCA) and leave my precious NY behind. This is a decision that has been on my mind since last October. You might remember that I was feeling a lot of trepedition about moving to New York last summer. I questioned whether Pratt was the right school and if I could handle being so far away from home... I stumbled through a summer of weird decisions and confusement and found myself in a very humid Brooklyn, New York with three stuffed suitcases and a huge fear of the unknown.
Making the transition from child to adulthood is awkward. It's odd to be 17 years old and have to make a decision that will effect you for the rest of your life and I honestly could not tell what you brought me to my decision to go to Pratt last year. I just did it. And, boy, I did it.
Let me just say that Pratt is a fantastic school(with it's faults of course) but as I came to the realization of the extent of my student loans and what that would mean for me in the context of stuff I want to do. Moving and doing this taught me that I was capable. I could move to the biggest city in the country and take care of myself(to an extent) and be fine. Be quite happy even. Yeah, it was hard. But the distance wasn't that bad and homesickness eventually fades and everything becomes normal and quite lovely. Not perfect, but I liked it here. But.
Doing this? It made me realize I want to travel. I realized that I think I want to go to grad school someday. I realized that even though I love this city with all my heart... I mean, it was the city that raised me in a weird way... That I didn't want to live here for more than a few years.
I realized I wanted to start my businesses and have financial goals that could not be achieved with $1200 rent and huge student loans. I realized that a school is just a school and I didn't have to go to the supposed "best". I realized that I am extremely self motivated.
My student loans have cost me a lot of anxiety this year. That anxiety manifested in ways I couldn't handle and honestly scared me...
I started thinking about transferring to a less expensive school. I know that art school is the right thing for me. Seriously, not a doubt in my mind. But, I was unenthusiastic about it. I have a weird loyalty and pride in Pratt. I started to make friends and figure out how to get places without looking up directions and digging in my roots and fall in love with this city. I was sad to leave it all behind and wasn't sure if I had it in my to do this whole "starting over" thing again. But then...
Not to overly romanticize it or anything, but I started thinking I could transform my life. I mean, I can do whatever the hell I want to do. I'm starting to figure out what I want with my life and I can start all over again. With new people and new city streets to learn and more self realization.
As I started to seriously think about transferring, the attitude of living my life in NY changed. Before I thought I thought I would stay in NYC for the next few years, so I would think, "Oh, I can just do that later". But, when I didn't know if I could actually just do it later, I started to do more things... I decided to see the Rockettes and go the tree lighting and go on more adventures... I think this is an exciting way to live... To live like this is the last year you are in a place... It's liberating.
I applied to some schools this year and was accepted, but the school that stuck with me from the beginning was PNCA. I adore Portland and PNCA seems to be a great fit. Not to mention much cheaper and closer to home. Portland is like 7 hours away from Boise. Far away enough that I can't just pop home on a weekend, but close enough that I could drive down there with all my stuff and go home for Thanksgiving and such. Rent is mucha cheaper there, so I'm crunching numbers and planning on getting my own apartment next Fall(something that would have been impossible for me in NY).
I've had quite a few people express their dissapointment in this decision, but I really can't communicate enough that I feel like this is right. The decision felt organic, something that I ruminated over for 6+ months. I let the change come... Maybe this is bad, but I didn't seek a lot of outside help or opinions with it. The decision was completely mine and, I don't know, but that's a good feeling...
I signed my withdrawal forms for Pratt next Fall and the academic advisor director had to sign the papers and said to me "It's all about the right fit. You'll be fine, sister. Good luck on all your adventures!". I sorta wanted to cry as I signed that sheet and realize that it was real... I was leaving behind these friends and the brick covered campus and all the growing up I did. I kept thinking about what he said as I walked away and just reminded myself "you'll be fine, sister". And I will be. And maybe it won't work out perfectly or things will change, but I can change my mind again and move somewhere else or decide to drop everything and be a hippie instead.
I can do whatever. And this is what I'm doing. I love you.