every year i plan to take these photos. every year i try to put them off and then eventually talk myself into going. my birthday was fine and low-key and i was upset during the course of the day and upset with myself for being upset. i ended up taking a nap and then it was fine.
with it being a sunday and almost all of my friend gone, working, out of town, and my family being busy, it was a day by myself. the house was empy and i opened up on my laptop screen to turn it on and saw my reflection in the darkened screen.
"it's just me you and me, kid".
i read somewhere once that one of life's most beautiful joys is to be happy by oneself. it's a truth that has constantly come up in my life over the course of the last year. i feel like i write about it a lot, but there are years for certain things and this year has been about satisfying independance.
i went to dutch bros and got my free coffee and drove until i found a place i wanted to stop for photos. beyonce was playing on the radio. i usually rush through self portraits, wanting to me done. but today was different. it was calm up there. once i was finished, i spent a few minute leaning against my car like in the photo above. looking over this precious land i have both hated and longed for. it was just me and my coffee and God in the breeze.
nineteen is going to be a challenging year, with changes and new adventures and who knows what. i'll be fine though. because i'm taking care of myself by myself. with god and family and friends and wonderful people, of course. but, there is that comfort of beginning to know myself. which i have needed. and slowly began to love. i'm excited.