
I'm curled up with the fleece blanket Steph got for me years ago at Christmas. I am sitting on my bed. It's only 4:15, but it gets dark in New York early. The salmon colored lights in the courtyard are on already and they have fallen over Victoria's desk. My nails are mint green. I'm going home three weeks on Monday. I miss my family and my best friends and the streets I grew up on and the smell of my house. School is empty and I'm surprisingly okay with the aloneness. I have made good friends since I moved here and I am grateful for them, but I have changed. I have spent a lot of time alone in the last three months. Subways into the city by myself. Walks to the grocery store or to the post office. I eat more meals by myself than I meals with other people. Just with my thoughts and sometimes talking to God.
I like it. I like being alone. I liked being alone today.
"I'm wondering if I should stop looking and start living, or if I'm supposed to do those things at the same time." I wrote that a year ago.
I thought that I had myself figured out to a different degree. But lately, I've been realizing I don't. I have a lot of growing up to and things to learn and life to live. I'm going to be twenty in 18 months. I don't like this '"finding myself" stuff because it's dumb and cliche sounding, but it's kinda true. I've been doing that. A lot of that.
Today I am proud of that. Today I am thankful and blesssed. For this city. For my family and my friends. For God. Happy Thanksgiving...
Listen to this beautiful song and hug everyone extra long.