kara: on not figuring shit out.
as much as i'd appreciate never needing to write an ambiguous nonsense emo post every again, it's still midnight and i'm still writing this. i need to write this. since realizing mid-april the stakes on growing up are quite high and this realization surely signals that i must be grown up. that i shouldn't cuss someone out for something incredibly stupid or being, well, a bitch to someone who did not deserve it or crying over a boy who broke my heart almost a year ago.
i did all of those things this week. and other stuff i don't want to talk about. and i am sick of sitting here and not mentioning it because i need to be "grown up" now and that i should "get over it".
i'm sick of all of us doing this. i had a mini freak out several weeks ago when i thought school people had found out about my blog. it didn't pan out. but then i came to the decide that i didn't really care. and instead of frantically deleting posts, i just left it. i type what i feel. i try not type things that will hurt people. but the stuff that makes people uncomfortable? fine. the stuff about me being sad and in love and angry? what the hell. i'm a person. a messed-up person. all of us are.
i don't have much of anything figured out. i'm weeks behind on work. i'm flakey. rude. and angry. i cuss when i get angry and say hurtful things to people. my life unfortunately doesn't have the Eraser tool and i can't fix the exposure of my sadness.
i just want to be real. because being alone in real-ness sucks.
and i don't mean to offend, but let's cut it out with fake blog posts. and dare i say it? the 'inspiration' shit and weheartit puke. have a post like that once a week, no problem. and be happy and upbeat and positive, please. but also don't be ashamed of the "bad" stuff. talk about it. mention that you and God aren't getting along or that you feel like throwing waterballoons in the middle of class. instead of recycling the same pictures we all see on bettywhatsherface's blog, make some art and post it. go on an adventure.
or just talk about how you have no desire to make crap and are too lazy to go an adventure.
my new mantra?
you don't have it figured out. but thank God for it anyway.
